From distracted hearing to deep empathic presence — four modes of listening, an interactive matrix of what unfolds between speaker and listener, and a quick self-check.
Listening isn't binary. It runs along a spectrum from "I heard you with my ears but my mind was elsewhere" to "I'm with you, fully." Most adult conversations live in the middle two facets — and most repair work happens when one person was at level 1 while the other thought they were at level 3.
Sound enters; meaning doesn't. Phone in hand, mind elsewhere. Shows up as "wait, what?" 30 seconds later.
Filtering for keywords and confirmations. Useful for triage; lethal for new ideas.
Reflecting back, checking for understanding. Slowing down to make sure the words landed.
Hearing what's said and what's underneath. The other person feels accompanied, not processed.
—
—
Pair this with the Four-Sides Model and you have a remarkably small toolkit for diagnosing most communication breakdowns — without anyone needing to learn a new vocabulary.